The Funniest Movie That Never Made You Laugh

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It’s Saturday afternoon. You’re hungover from the rotation of cheap beer and Bankers vodka shots the night before. The roommates went to get Arbys to settle the stomachs for round two tonight. That leaves the most important job of the day up to you. Finding that gem of a movie to day drink the…day away. Well look no further my good man. Let me introduce you to the funniest movie that never made you laugh.

It was a similar situation I found myself in during sophomore year, finals week ’09.  My buddy “Feels” (college is the last time it’s acceptable to have friends with douchey nicknames) and I happened upon a movie called “Loaded Weapon 1”. Unbeknownst to us, it would change our lives forever.

National Lampoons Loaded Weapon 1 was released in 1993 as a spoof comedy. “Spaceballs” did Star Wars, “Young Frankenstein” did Frankenstein, and Loaded Weapon 1 was our glorious mock Lethal Weapon. It had a story they probably stole straight from any cop movie from the 80s. An LA detective is killed for having a microfilm on how to make cocaine cookies. Two odd couple style cops team up to find the killer. Playing the Mel Gibson role is Emilio Estevez as Jack Colt. I’m not exaggerating when I say this is the best role of Emilio’s career. I’m in my twenties, I grew up with the Mighty Ducks. I don’t make these claims lightly. He is unstoppable in this film. If I had to give out Olympic medals for the best all time spoof actors it would go something like this:

Gold Medal – Leslie Nielsen

Silver Medal – Gene Wilder

Bronze Medal – Emilio Estevez

emilio-estevez-as-sgt-jack-colt-in-loaded

His sole performance in this film vaulted him past Mel Brooks and Anna Faris. The level of commitment he has to every line of dialogue is astounding. It truly reminded me of Leslie Nielsen. Perhaps there’s an alternate universe where Emilio’s career didn’t die after D3 in ’96. It was definitely in the cards for him to own the spoof world for the next 10-15 years akin to Nielsen. Honestly, who was dominating that market? You had virtually no one during the late nineties. Anna Faris and the Wayans brothers put out some respectable material in the early part of the new decade. Instead we were left with “Date Movie” and the chunks of puke that came after (Is “chunks of puke” a saying? I’m attempting to make it one). Allow me to hop off his dick real quick so I can also praise his co-star.

The great Samuel L. Jackson takes the reigns as Wes Luger (lolz at their last names). Not surprisingly (at least not now) Jackson is laugh out loud funny throughout the full 90 minutes. Who back in 1993 knew how funny this guy was? I glanced at IMDB and could only find a small role in “Coming to America”.

Honestly, I’m surprised he didn’t stick to a career solely in comedy. A little flick called “Pulp Fiction” might have had something to do with that. There are a couple key scenes where Jackson has some one at gunpoint. Both might be the funniest scenes in the film. His dedication to physical comedy brings tears to my eyes. If this were Madden his stats would look something like this:

Physical Comedy – 97

One Liners – 94

Balding Haircut – 99

Agility – 63

He’s an all time great and I’m grateful for all the iconic performances he’s given us, but man do I wish he’d of taken more comedic roles. Together with Emilio, they form my favorite comedy duo ever. I’ve watched this film more times than I care to admit and not once do these two become bland. I guarantee you’ll never see them on any of the Buzzfeed lists, but these two deserve respect.

Normally I would stop there. Estevez and Jackson DO make this a classic spoof comedy. What puts “Loaded Weapon 1” into untouchable territory is the massive amount of comedic talent in the film other than the two leads. From the villains to the smallest of cameos, this movie doesn’t disappoint. Let’s break ’em down!


Jon Lovitz – hqdefault
Lovitz plays the “Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon” role. He’s the loud mouthed (more whiney) guy that helps out our two heroes. Or tries to help them out. He usually gets shot at or taken hostage without either Estevez or Jackson caring much. Probably not as funny as his character in “Rat Race” but it’s a delight to watch his misfortunes seemingly never end.

William Shatner – photo_lrgAnd here we have the main baddie in our comical cop story. Shatner plays a hilarious version of the Colonel from the Rambo trilogy. Now that I think of it, he’s probably not much different than the Priceline Negotiator but, it’s still gold. Another actor who you wouldn’t think could pull off comedy back then. He’s masterful with the dialogue he’s given throughout, never blinking at how cheesy each line is. I can’t stress how important that is in spoof movies. He’s dedicated for every minute on screen. General Mortars you are one of a kind.

Tim Curry – tim-curry-as-mr-jigsaw-in-loaded-weapon-1Tim Curry plays the right hand man to Shatners evil genius. As you can see from the picture, he has no qualms about going under cover. There are few voices more recognizable than Curry’s, but he puts a whole new twist on his golden pipes for this role. The way he emphasizes the “w” in “weapon” gets me every time. Watch “Loaded Weapon 1” for Tim Curry if anything. Pure brilliance.

Whoopi – National_Lampoons_Loaded_Weapon_1_41824_MediumShe doesn’t have many scenes (two or three), but she does have my favorite scene in the film. In the beginning of the movie, Tim Currys character visits Whoopi to get information out of her. Spoiler alert: she doesn’t survive the questioning. But the sequence between the two is comedic gold. It makes me miss pre-View Whoopi Goldberg. I mean come on…she went scene for scene with Swayze in “Ghost”!!! The lady can do it all. I look forward to her brief appearance every time I watch this.

Bruce Willis – 2514252Yup. Watch this movie.


I’d also like to list Phil Hartman, Dennis Leary, Cory Feldman, Kathy Ireland, Denise Richards, F Murray Abraham, Scotty from Star Trek, the two dudes from CHIPS, the principal from Breakfast Club, the TMNT, and Charlie fucking Sheen. Too much gold.

So now you’re wondering, why the hell haven’t I heard of it? It can’t be that great. It’s clearly not successful. So what happened? The sad answer….I don’t know. For one, I was only five when this baby came out. Unfortunately I didn’t have the income to support it. Originally it was set to have a sequel. They even signed a deal for one before the first was released ( the tagline was “Oh come ON, you knew it was coming!”) but the poor performance squashed that. My theory? Look at what else came out in the spoof market in 1993. This and…THIS.

Look. I understand I maaaay be exaggerating with how good it is. If it was as good as I made it out to be you’d have heard of it by now. All I’m saying is that you’d be hard pressed to find a better movie to watch while recovering from the night before. And that’s not the hangover talking.

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The Raid 2 – The Best Day of this Bloggers Life

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For the first time in over a decade I got my ass kicked. Physically, mentally, emotionally I was assaulted. Sometimes it was with a bat (or a hammer). Other times with knives of various lengths. But for the duration of the 2 hour and 30 minute beat down, the weapon of choice was our very own flesh and bones. Well, by ours I mean all the actors in the absurdly good sequel to “The Raid: Redemption”.

If you haven’t seen the first one, I’m begging you to give it a chance. I’ll even pray if you want me to (for all the good it’ll do). Especially if you like non stop action movies. After the first 10 minutes of the first movie it’s fight after fight after fight. That’s an hour and a half of hardcore ass kicking. We are introduced to the best martial artist since Jackie Chan in Iko Uwais (no disrespect to Tony Jaa. All disrespect to Jet Li). We also meet probably my favorite villain of any movie, ever. Did you just hear me? My favorite villain of all time! This coming from a guy who cried and walked out of a college class after Heath Ledger died. “The Raid: Redemption” was the best action movie I’d ever seen. Was. Until about 12:30 PT on Sunday April 13th 2014. That was the moment I witnessed the greatest action movie of my generation, “The Raid 2”.

I know how high I’ve made your expectations. Believe me I’m well aware. The thing is….I don’t care. It’s so rare we see a sequel better than the original. Hell, we hardly ever get a decent sequel. This movie is easily in the starting five of “best sequels ever” lineup.

  • The Godfather 2
  • The Dark Knight
  • Terminator 2
  • Mighty Ducks 2
  • The Raid 2

The fact that this movie was two and a half hours and I never ONCE felt restless says a whole lot. I honestly wanted more when the credits appeared. We were treated to more Rama, more bad ass henchmen (two of which are pictured at the top), and even a Terminator 2 storyline (where the bad guy from the first one is now a good guy). “The Raid 2” gives viewers everything we wanted from a sequel. It’s like the director could read our minds. Let me stop myself there. This man needs to be given credit. He’s edited, written, and directed BOTH of these movies. All himself. Hey Hollywood, how about we give Gareth Evans a summer blockbuster already? Frankly, I don’t care what you give him, just give him something. Anything.

When it comes to criticisms of this flick I’ll only allow one. Subtitles. Personally, I don’t mind them at all. They didn’t stop me from loving “Pan’s Labyrinth”. The original Hunger Games, “Battle Royale”, is still lovably gruesome. And this might still be the best action movie ever if you mute it. But subtitles aren’t for everyone. I just can’t do 3D. Even for films where they are designed for that specific purpose (Avatar I’m looking at you). I’d still rather watch it in regular 2D. Just a personal preference. So I’ll give you the subtitle argument if you want to nit pick. But that’s as far as I’ll go.

That’s all I’m writing on this movie (I told myself I’d write nothing at all) because I just cannot do it justice. All I’m doing is gushing. And probably to the films detriment. Action movies pretty much raised me. That doesn’t make me a savant, but I sure as hell appreciate the good ones. And I’ll go to war over the great ones. I’ve seen them all folks. From the martial arts icons (Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Tony Jaa), to our 80s gods (Arnold, Stallone, Willis, Van Damme. You’re van damme right I said Van Damme), the next generation (Keanu, Damon, Cage, Cruise, Crowe, etc) and even now to our current stars (Neeson, superhero flicks, Expendables, everyone in Fast Five). None of their movies compared. All of them I loved. But I’ve never been so satisfied after an ass kicking than after seeing The Raid 2.

As I was writing this I saw Tony Jaa will be appearing in the third installment of the franchise. Holy. Fuck.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

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Saturday morning I woke up to one of the toughest decisions I’d have to make all year. Do I go see the highly anticipated Captain America sequel? Or do I follow my heart and see “Sabatoge”, another box office bomb starring my hero Arnold. I’ve been through thick and thin with the big man recently. Hell, I even saw “The Last Stand” on opening night (it’s on Netflix now. Worth a watch, but Johnny Knoxville is horrendous. And I love Knoxville). With betrayal omitting off me like my daily B.O, I saw the early Cap 2 screening.

First off, Captain America is my least favorite Marvel character. At least out of all the major ones. Quicksilver will probably be my new “most hated” after watching DOFP. I don’t have to wait until the movie comes out you say? There’s a terrible Hardees commercial he’s in already? Yep. He’s the worst. Anyways, the point is I’m not very patriotic. I feel the same way about religion and sports “fandom”. If I was born farther north I’d be yearning for a Captain Canada, farther south a Captain Mexico. Just because I grew up in Philadelphia means I HAVE to root for the Phillies? Even if the whole team raped a ten year old boy (akin to those in high positions in the Catholic church), you would have imbeciles from that city sticking up for their team out of loyalty. It’s asinine.

There were a few things from the movie that I couldn’t let go of. It was everything I hate about patriotism. That 1940s propaganda bull. Plus the casting of Agent Smith as Red Skull rubbed me the wrong way (he’s already been in enough iconic roles with the Matrix and LOTR. You couldn’t have found anyone else?). Young CGI’d Steve Rogers took me out of the film every time he came on screen. It angered me more people weren’t talking about that. He looked ridiculous. But I openly acknowledge these are my feelings on things other than the film itself. Another solid addition to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, sure. But it in no way compares to The Winter Soldier.

Right off the bat I could tell the tone of this film was different. As a country we are having trouble trusting. Not being able to trust our government. Missiles aimed at any one of us at all times. Hacking in to our computers, phones, etc. I was on board from the get go. Cap’s trust in SHIELD starts to waver throughout the beginning of the movie and we begin to see it is not unfounded. There have been HYDRA plants all throughout SHIELD (including Gary Shandling, who has a scene that is laugh out loud funny. Unfortunately that was not its purpose) like a virus. Nick Fury is killed by the Winter Soldier himself and (no surprise) comes back near the end to reveal he faked his own death. The head of SHIELD is Pierce (Robert Redford) who quite clearly is the bad guy in this game. Anthony Mackie makes an awesome sidekick in Falcon. If you read his recent interviews about the role you know how enthusiastic he was about being cast as a superhero, and it shows. ScarJo is almost a co-lead in this film. She is great as usual, although she’s in that “too hot to watch” zone for me. It’s difficult for me to enjoy films she’s in because of how attractive I find her. It’s a curse. Lastly, we have Bucky himself (played by Sebastian Stan). You could say he did A LOT with a little. Most people have said that actually. I’m just reiterating it. He’s not on Loki’s level as a villain (and in the Marvel universe, who is?) but I immediately wanted to see more of him. Luckily for me, Stan recently signed a nine picture deal.

Technically this was the first summer blockbuster to come out. So that might be why I enjoyed it so much. But there were definitely other things. I’ll throw some Pros/Cons out there.

Pro – Fight Sequences

All credit given to the Russo brothers on this one. The fight sequences were phenomenal. You felt the force of Caps blows. I loved the scene where he’s running so hard that he bangs into a wall and the shield leaves a dent. Black Widow had the moves we’ve come to expect from a super spy. George St. Pierre makes a cameo in the beginning of the flick and has an awesome fight off with Evans. He had a few good moves, but was easily taken down by CA (Black Widow hindered Cap more than GSP). Quick note. I’m glad they showed him easily taking out the henchmen. This dude just wrecked hundred of aliens in The Avengers. You’re going to tell me some french martial art boat captain can beat up Captain America? I’m not buying it. Captain America should give a beat down to twenty people in an elevator. Even with one arm trapped to the wall by a magnet.

Con – Rewatchability

A few of you might disagree with me on this. The film is pretty long (136 minutes not counting after credit scenes). A while the pacing is great, there isn’t many reasons why I would go back to watch it. I thought the best scenes were with Bucky and they were few and far between. TWS just beat out a certain movie for Aprils biggest box office hit. That movie? Only one of the most re watchable summer blockbusters of all time. That’s right folks, FAST FIVE. I’ve watched F5 dozens of times. Why? Because I’m in awe during that train scene. Because the ground shakes every time during the second greatest handshake ever (Diesel picking Rock up. Obviously behind the one in Predator). And because…

Pro – Chris Evans becomes a leading man

You could argue he became this in The Avengers, but I still wasn’t buying it. I think Evans has greatly improved, not on his acting, but on his presence. I honestly don’t know how one improves that. It’s like how Mel Kiper talks about “upside”. We both just tend to throw these words around. But Evans really shines in this one (and he should. He’s the star of the film). By the time Avengers 2 comes out I’ll believe that he can go toe to toe with Robert Downey Jr (or Tony Stark).

Con – Cap and Black Widows relationship

I feel like I should be saying this for every Pro/Con, but hear me out. Yes. It was appreciated that they weren’t forced into another silly romantic relationship. First off, she has Hawkeye (if they ever want to use him again). And secondly, it would have made that scene with old Peggy Carter less meaningful. But the back and forth about her getting him a girlfriend or a date was grating. Why couldn’t their relationship be more like Legolas and Gimli from LOTR? She is clearly badass. I’d love to hear them arguing about who takes out more henchman. And you could still have the “I don’t trust you” storyline.

Pro – Post Credit Scenes

This should be a Pro for every Marvel film. But this may have been the best one yet. We finally get a glimpse of Scarlett Witch and Quicksilver. The REAL Quicksilver. They look menacing. And unstable. And I’m even more pumped for Avengers 2 than I was yesterday. I’m always curious as to if Whedon directs these himself. The Guardians of the Galaxy teaser at the end of Thor 2 definitely looked like someone else was behind the directors chair. But alas. Also we get to see one of the new villains for AV2 and what appears to be Loki’s mind control stick? Correct me if I’m wrong. Then the second (and usually plain dumb) scene featured Bucky visiting the museum to see his little WWII memorial. It probably could of just been put straight into the film, but it was nice to show Bucky realizing that Cap wasn’t lying to him. Perhaps he could….trust Steve Rogers. It wasn’t great but it was better than Thor 2’s second post credit scene.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier is a worthy two hours spent at the movies. I would go so far as to say it’s the BEST movie of the summer! Take that as you will.

1st. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

2nd. N/A

3rd. N/A

Elijah in the Phonebooth

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10 years from now, some studio exec will come up with the bright idea to remake the 2002 smash hit “Phone Booth”. I guarantee it. And I’d like to tell future Hollywood Exec, pump the brakes. “Grand Piano”, starring Elijah Wood and John Cusack, already stole your mediocre idea. I’m not joking. “Grand Piano” is “Phone Booth” for the upper class. Allow me to show off my uncharacteristically bad summarizing skills.

Elijah Wood plays a pupil to the recently deceased “best piano player in the world”. He was some old guy who was up there with Bach and Beethoven in skill. And apparently, he left a huge sum of money after he died. Elijah ( I don’t recall his characters name. Or any characters name for that matter) comes out of retirement to play one last concert in his teacher’s honor. Oh yeah, Elijah has MAJOR stage fright. During his performance he suddenly learns Cusack has a sniper pointed at him. One wrong note and boom! See you later Elijah. Also, Elijah’s wife is in the crowd. She will succumb to a bullet in the head if he dares cry for help. Very Phone Booth-ish. I didn’t dislike this movie, yet I probably should have. Instead it brought three distinct things to my attention. I’m not sure how distinct they are, but here we go.

    1. First I’ll address why I liked this movie. It’s simple. I will always support Elijah Wood. And for the most part, really enjoy what I watch him in. Lord of the Rings, Green Street, Wilfred, Eternal, Happy Feet, etc. We all have THOSE actors we fully support. No matter what. It can be for a variety of reasons. The actors who were in a role you will hold on to forever (Elijah Wood and Sean Astin as Frodo and Samwise respectively), the actor who attended your high school ( Mike Vogel ), the hidden gem you knew about before anybody (Paul Rudd because you knew about him in Wet Hot American Summer. What’s that? He was on your radar since Clueless? I meant Wild Oats…), and of course the actor that stops you from completely hating a family name (Dave Franco for saving the Franco legacy after James desperately tried to tarnish it).

2.  Bill S. Preston is back! I couldn’t take my eyes off him throughout the entire film. He plays Cusacks evil right hand man. And guess what? He nails it! Totally pulls off the charming yet creepy killer. Not surprisingly, he brought the funny in a couple of scenes too. This really got me pumped for a new Bill and Ted. I wasn’t sure if he had been working and I just haven’t noticed it, so I took it upon myself to peruse his IMDB page. Spoiler alert, he hasn’t been up to much. In the last ten years, one Robot Chicken episode, a couple TV movies, some show called “Saul of the Mole Men” (I won’t lie, this intrigues me), and an episode of Bones. There is legit reason to get excited. If you don’t see this movie out of dedication to Frodo, see it for Alex Winter

3.  Hey John Cusack. What the fuck is going on? From the late nineties on, it’s as if he doesn’t know what kind of market he wants to be in. He was red hot at first (I’m not going to include Anastasia, but I should. Criminally underrated). It looks like he’s going to produce critical darlings with High Fidelity and Being John Malkovich. Then he takes a sudden turn to chick flick and thrillers (Serendipity, Identity, Runaway Jury). All pretty crumby in my opinion. A few years later he jumps into the horror genre with 1408. I actually found that film rather enjoyable. But Johnny M is done with horror. He smells the green over at “Apocalyptic Movie Headquarters” and stars in 2012. Generally considered a pretty bad movie. One year later we get the glorious Hot Tub Time Machine. Cusack really does well in this raunchy comedy setting and I’m surprised he didn’t try another one. Or at least a sequel ( which is apparently in the works. Four years too late?). Instead of sticking with comedy, he decides to go back into horror. And oh MY god was that a mistake. The Raven was an abomination. We finally come to a stop at Grand Piano. He now is the villain in the Bourgeoisie Phone Booth. What I’m saying is John Cusack doesn’t know what the hell he wants. And I’m concerned.

But not concerned about you enjoying Grand Piano. If you like Phone Booth you will enjoy this. If you hated Phone Booth, well, this is a bit better so there’s still a chance you will enjoy it. Here is their website where you can download it from iTunes.