DISNEY COUNTDOWN 115-111 “THE POST CREDITS CREW”

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Some of the most overlooked songs play once a movie ends. Oh sure, now every one stays after to see some sort of Marvel Easter egg. But I’m not talking about those Disney movies. If you’re leaving the movie with goosebumps, you know it did its job. Take the latest Hobbit film for example. Right after the screen goes dark, we are hit in the face with this beauty of a track by Ed Sheeran. If the movie wasn’t enjoyable enough (for me it was), this end credits song put it over the top. These five aren’t the only post credits songs on the list, but they are all bunched together. And that makes them a crew. Let’s take a listen, shall we?

115. Where The Dream Takes You – Atlantis: The Lost Empire

Strangely enough, I don’t think this song matches the tone of the film at all. I mean yes, it’s about a dream taking you someplace. I’m guessing they mean Atlantis. Okay, fine. I’ll allow it. More importantly, Mya kills it. She could be singing about murdering all the inhabitants of Atlantis and I’d still be nodding my head from side to side. Her voice is the definition of soothing. Whatever happened to Mya? Was this song before or after “Lady Marmalade”? I’m hoping for a comeback, but if not, we’ll always have this smooth jam.

114. True To Your Heart – Mulan

There’s only one way 98 degrees can top N’SYNC. And that’s if they add Stevie Wonder to their gang. Is this the weirdest musical pairing ever? It’s still probably David Bowie and Bing Crosby, but this has to be top five. Also, please watch the entire music video. I yearn for all out “weird” in music videos. Someone bring back The Box! I’m more upset about their cancellation than Firefly. I would go back to paying ridiculous amounts of money for cable if they revived The Box. And/or “Whose Line Is It Anyways” WITH Drew Carey. Until then…internet only. 98 degrees doesn’t have much to be proud of, but I’ll be damned if this isn’t great music.

113. The Time Of Your Life – A Bug’s Life

Possibly Pixar’s most underrated film, A Bug’s Life gives us our second big dose of Randy Newman. It’s weird. No matter what Randy Newman is singing, I start thinking about Toy Story. I’ve got to take (imaginary) points off their score. I mean, that can’t be a positive can it? Maybe for the Toy Story franchise, but not for our favorite bug movie……………. Nobody? Not one person is going to stick up for Antz? It has Stallone! Ah, screw you guys.

112. No Way Out – Brother Bear

When I set out to make this list, it was so I could bring attention to smaller songs and movies people might not be aware of. This is one of those movies. It has everything you would want from a Disney flick. Joy. Sorrow. Pain. Relief. Redemption. Vengeance. Understanding. I don’t have a deep vocabulary, but you get the gist. It also is the second Disney film Phil Collins highjacked. “No Way Out” is in the sorrow and pain category of this film. It depicts the protagonists low times and nails it. The first comment on the video’s Youtube page is “DEM FEELS!!!!”. Truly, I could not have said it better.

111. Something That I Want – Tangled

First off, this fan made music video is top notch. Well done, sir or madam. Second, this is my favorite post credits song of all time. It may not be the most popular, but for me, it’ll never be topped. It is impossible not to enjoy your day while this song plays. Go ahead. Take your wheels for a ride and pop it in. You will not regret it. It’s my go to whenever the world is throwing too many “first world problems” my way. There’s just something so uplifting about it. This song is not something that I want. It’s something that I need.


Well that was….something? For as low a ranking I gave them, I enjoy these five songs immensely. I’ll just always give the nod to songs that are in the movie. Doesn’t take away from these babies. So next time you decide to skip the credits just remember, you might be missing the next great musician mash-up (I’m predicting Tyler the Creator and Blake Shelton collaborate on the next Pixar film).  We’re going old school for 110-106.

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Disney Countdown 120-116 “The Bottom Dwellers”

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120. Perfect Isn’t Easy – Oliver and Company

This list would have no merit if there wasn’t any Bette Midler. And what an entry she submits with “Perfect Isn’t Easy”. I’ll admit it’s not my favorite song from the film, but there’s no denying how catchy it is. Georgette was my first introduction to all the self absorbed women I would eventually meet in my life. At least she had the ability to bang out a ballad. I tend to put this into the “villain song” category. The song itself doesn’t scream “evil” but Georgette is the ultimate Disney bitch. “Perfect Isn’t Easy” is a perfect introduction to the character. Having said that, it’s still not good enough to crack the top 100. Maybe if Tito had made this list but alas…

119. I Thought I Lost You – Bolt

I know what you’re thinking. How did a Miley/Travolta duet not make the top 50? What? Nobody is asking that? Well it certainly went through my head. I’ll be the first to admit it. Miley Cyrus is my future wife. Who will unquestionably cheat on me with as many people as possible, but still. She’s incredibly sexy. John Travolta has been a singing god ever since I heard “Summer Lovin”. Long story short, it was hard to listen to this in an unbiased manner. “I Thought I Lost You” is a fun song at the end of a sub par Disney flick. I went into “Bolt” with pretty low expectations and got pretty much what I expected. It’s an interesting plot that kept me invested, but not many laughs and what seemed like a disinterested cast. Also, Susie from “Curb Your Enthusiasm” played a major character. It was impossible to take her seriously. I kept waiting for the words “bald”, “fat”, or “fuck” to pop out of her mouth. The flick’s worth a Netflix (Brazil) watch. If you’re a fan of Miley and Travolta then you’ll approve of this duet. If not, get the hell off of this blog.

118. Robin Hood and Little John Oo-De-Lally – Robin Hood

If there was an award for “Song Stuck in Matt’s Head the Most” this would be it. When I ran track in my high school days I had a friend who would sing Salt n Pepa’s “Push It” to himself while he ran. I decided to put my own twist on it and sing “Robin Hood and Little John Runnin Through the Forest” over and over again. Still do it as of this day. The downfall to this song is that it’s only about fifty seconds long. You’re going to need more substance than that if you want to compete with the big dogs. Also, for being a song that prides itself on getting stuck in ones head, it’s not even the most addictive tune from this movie. As we will certainly find out later…

117. My Funny Friends and Me – The Emperors New Groove

Talk about star power! First Bette Midler, then Miley/Travolta, and now Sting. We also have our first Oscar nominated song. Personally I don’t think “My Funny Friends and Me’ is all that great. Especially since Sting is the one who is singing it. I have much higher expectations for the man who gifted us “Every Breath You Take”. And THIS is the song that gets nominated for an Oscar. Meh. But I will say this. It’s the perfect song to describe Kuzco and Pacha’s relationship. They were the heart of the movie (a let down of a movie for Disney standards, but still) and hearing this as the credits roll did give me goosebumps. I don’t want to say that the Oscar nomination solely got this baby on my list………..but it kind of did.

116. Trashin The Camp – Tarzan

We get our first song from Tarzan: The Phil Collins Experience. You want scat? You want doo wop? You get “Trashin the Camp”. I honestly couldn’t tell the difference between the Phil Collins version and the version where NSYNC sings with him…so I merged them. The scene in the movie is pretty funny. Chimp Rosie O’Donnell and friends mess up Clayton’s camp while making sweet, sweet music. I will admit to having a soft spot for the song mainly because it’s the perfect song to do drunken (like there’s any other kind) karaoke to. Even more so if you’re like me and cannot sing for squat. If I’m not mistaken, Rosie O’Donnell can’t be on any Top 100 list ever. So that may also be holding this song back.


So we’re off to the races here at the Disney countdown. Five songs that I would most likely skip if they were shuffled onto my Itunes. Just kidding. “I Thought I Lost You” is a gem of a song and I don’t care who knows it. Next time we find out songs 115-111.

 

DISNEY DEATHMATCH!!!!!!! (sorta)

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I don’t want to freak you out, but I had three parents growing up. There was my father of course. He taught me the fatherly things in life (shaving, throwing baseballs, “men don’t cry” talks). My mother was there to comfort me when I did cry and dry my eyes before the old man found out. And finally there was my third parent. As you are probably assuming this “parent” did not come in the form of a human. Nay. Instead it came in the form of VHS tapes with cool packaging. One day it would come in the form of “The Lion King”. The next, “Oliver and Company”. Unlike my flesh creators, my third parent would actually sing to me. Oh the songs I would hear throughout my childhood.

Listen, I’m sure this isn’t news to any of you. I get it. You’ve all had that same third parent. But the thing that separates me (and also makes me much more pathetic) is that I still listen to all of these songs. Religiously. Check my Spotify. You would assume I was one of your friends from high school who had a kid too early and now had to make a Disney Spotify playlist for them. Sadly, no. I’m just a twenty five year old male who bought, BOUGHT, the Frozen soundtrack. I know how to pirate music. I’ve done it for at least the past eight years. This was me choosing to pay for music. The music happened to be on a soundtrack to a movie that was geared towards toddlers. There was a time when I was self conscious about it. But those days are long gone. This is who I am for better or worse. Mostly worse obviously. And I’m not trying to brag about this. Not at all. What I’m trying to do….is make a list. A list of the greatest Disney animated songs.

So there it is, out in the open. I’m going to attempt to make a list of the best songs that the Disney animated world has produced. Do I believe myself qualified to make this list? Absolutely not. But I’ve also seen so many bogus fucking lists floating around on the subject that I felt an urge to weigh in. There are so many hidden gems out there that nobody ever mentions. Don’t get me wrong, they usually put the best of the best out there. Every one knows that “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” will be around the top. I’m here to rank those smaller songs that I guarantee you’ve heard but have forgotten as the years passed by. In no way will I admit to getting the actual rankings correct. One hundred and twenty songs will make up my list. You heard me right, 120. That’s a shit ton of songs. And I had to make a butt ton of cuts, too. I did a lot of my picking and choosing on 4/20 of all days so…that should say something as well. All I know is that I owe it to my third parent to make this list. After all they’ve done for me. Oh, and that this will be fun. Really fucking fun. On to the rules then…

  • Must be an animated feature

I will only be ranking songs that are in a Disney movie that is animated. My apologies to “Mary Poppins”. So, so sorry “High School Musical” franchise. I wanted you in there “Muppets”, but it’s against the rules. This is also the case for songs that are popular because of rides at theme parks. Don’t want to point fingers.

  • Must be DISNEY

This should go without saying. But I have seen plenty of people claim “Anastasia” to be a Disney product. Anastasia is a god damn masterpiece of a movie (with one of the best soundtracks ever. Every Disney song dodged a bullet), but it’s not Disney. That’s all Fox. What’s that? You think I’m lying about how good the music is? Fine, you asked for it. Just remember YOU did this, not me.

 

  • Must be a theatrical release. No straight to DVD

This rule was a bit sketchy for me. I wasn’t always sure what went straight to theaters or which ones went to DVD/VHS. I’ll tell you what. To qualify you had to be on this list. Again, my apologies to Aladdin 2 and 3. The Return of Jafar and King of Thieves had some pretty catchy tunes. But none of them come close to this gem from The Lion King 2: SImba’s Pride

 

  • Must be an original song. Not a cover

Okay. This was a tricky one.  And I definitely broke this rule somewhere on the list. But what I’m trying to say is that the song can’t be an already popular song. Like “Life is a Highway” is one of “Cars” bigger hits. Sadly that song has been around before the Rascal Flats or whoever covered it. The same goes for “Shake Ya Tail feather” on the “Chicken Little” soundtrack. “Fantasia” is one of the most popular Disney films ever, mostly because of the music. Not a part of this list. The song could still be sung by a famous band/singer (Elton John anyone), it just has to be an original they produced for the film. Like I said…I may have broken this rule. And if I did, it was for a hell of a song. I hope.

  • Must be a movie. No television

Clearly this should be named the Phineas and Ferb rule. That show has some fantastic songs that probably should be on this list but can’t because it’s a TV show. They put out a movie? Well now…that’s interesting.

  • Pixar Allowed

Obviously this should be brought up. I don’t necessarily consider Pixar to be Disney. It’s like how some people don’t consider Arnold Schwarzennegger to be an American citizen. I mean he is. Those people are just idiots. Anyways, Disney bought Pixar so they are part of the family. And need to be considered. It would feel wrong not to have them in here.


 

It’ll certainly be tough when it comes to ranking. I will take into consideration how popular the movie is. If you are a great song carrying a great movie, you have a better chance than a great song that’s in a so/so flick. Also, songs that are in the film I hold in higher regard than covers of said songs. Example. ” A Whole New World” film version will always be better than ” A Whole New World” Peabo Bryson version. Don’t know who Peabo Bryson is? You will find out my friend.

Those are pretty much the only rules I could think of. The rest is fair game. One hundred and twenty of the best songs Disney has ever released. It’s all up to me to put them in the right order. There are plenty of story lines for this tournament (is it a tournament? I don’t know. Deathmatchlist?). Will a song from a major conference win (The Lion King, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast)? Maybe some of the lesser known gems will step up. Will the old veterans (Snow White, Pinocchio, etc.) be able to hang around with the new hot shots (Frozen, Tangled, etc)? Who is the ultimate Disney singer, Elton John or Phil Collins (or Billy Joel)?!

This will most likely take up months of my life, so I hope readers other than myself take some joy in this. At least get angry about how terrible of a job I did. If anything, I hope this leads some of you to watch a few of these movies like you did in decades past. Or even some you decided not to watch (cough TANGLED cough). You don’t have to watch as many of them as I do (that’s weird), but just for nostalgia if nothing else. I’ll leave you with the same thing I told my parents years ago. “I’m not gay. I just really, really love Disney.”. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. With homosexuality. There’s plenty wrong with still liking Disney…

Next time – Songs 120-116

 

 

 

Michael Jordan is the Michael Jordan of Michael Jordaning

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How often have you heard someone use the phrase, ” So and so is the Michael Jordan of so and so’s profession”. You know, Beethoven is the Michael Jordan of classical music. Stephen King is the Michael Jordan of horror novels. They even use it with other sports. Wayne Gretzky is the Michael Jordan of hockey! Hey, I get it. I agree with you guys. It’s overused and a bit tacky. Having said that….I’m super curious as to what would be considered the Michael Jordan of television dramas.

The thought crept up on me after viewing the True Detective finale. Those eight episodes are as good as any one season of television. Still, I couldn’t claim it to be the “Michael Jordan” of dramatic television. What I’ve decided to do is rank the best twelve players in NBA history. As well as pair them with the twelve most influential television dramas of our generation. How did I so choose the TV shows you ask? It was quite simple actually. I stole them from this. Bear in mind that this idea may or may not have come about under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Lets get to it.

12. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar / Oz

Oh boy. I just realized I’m saying Kareem is the 12th best player ever and Oz the 12th best TV show ever. Oh man. Might not have thought this through. There is one strong similarity these two have in common. You could put them in any environment and they would thrive. If Kareem (in his prime) plays for the Lakers this year, he’s the best center in the NBA. Even on that putrid squad. Sure he might get banged on defensively but he would equally be unguardable. Even in the late 90s into the early 00s I think he would be an all star caliber player. You put Wilt or Russell into this generation they become a role player. No ifs, ands, or buts. Same with Oz. That show is holding up with Game of Thrones, True Blood, Breaking Bad, and all the rest. Hell, Game of Thrones practically stole a page right from Oz’s playbook in Season 1. That show invented shocking deaths.

11. Jerry West / The Shield

Both show and player had a hell of a run. Jerry only ended up winning one title and The Shield only claimed one major award (Chiklis for Best Actor at the Emmys). To be honest, I had to put Jerry West on here. He’s the logo. I usually don’t like putting players from the older generation on here. Their stats usually don’t compare (looking at you Oscar and your garbage triple double record). I think the main link this show/player have is the high note they both left on. Jerry West ended his basketball career by being perhaps the best NBA General Manager in history. While The Shield has arguably the best finale of all time. As many of the shows on here can attest, it’s not easy to do a finale.

10. Wilt Chamberlain / LOST

One word connects both of them. Over hyped. I could of sworn that was one word. Fair enough. Two words connect these two. If you put Shaq on any team from 1950-1965 he would put up the same numbers as Wilt. Or Georgetown Ewing. Or David Robinson. They would all put up monster numbers against undersized white guys. I’m ashamed I even put him on this list. Not the first time I’ve been ashamed of myself, but still. The same goes for LOST. Yes I know the following it had (or has) and the viewership numbers it produced. But there was nothing else on network television! It had like two competitors. And one of them was House. LOST was dunking on the likes of Dr. Vegas , The Mountain , and LAX . It seemed like they both listened to their fans too much at one point. Oh you want more smoke monster answers? BOOM. Terrible episode with a cop out of an answer that never had the chance of appeasing fans. Oh you don’t think I can lead the league in not fouling out? Goes ahead and tries his best not to foul out every game to the detriment of his team. Talking about these two makes me nauseous.

9. Allen Iverson / Deadwood

This one really hurts. Deadwood should be much higher. Sadly I lumped it together with AI. My main line of thinking was this. Allen Iverson put his 76er team on his back year after year leading them to the cusp of greatness. Al Swearengen did the same for Deadwood. The town and the TV show. David Milch’s writing is some of the best I’ve seen on screen and I’m sure that’s where most of the praise for Deadwood should go. But Ian McShane put Al on the Anti Hero Mount Rushmore. It’s Walter White, Tony Soprano, Don Draper, and Al Swearengen. It’s just a shame there was so little of it to appreciate. And when you think of it, the same goes for Iverson. He had a respectable fifteen year playing career. But those three years or four years from 2000-2004 were where the magic happened. The MVP year. The practice rant. The Lue Step. Even more to his credit, he has a whole city ready to die for him. That’s how strong the love for him is in Philadelphia. On paper, Donovan McNabb should be widely as appreciated. Obviously that’s not the case. I feel the same way, as do many, about Al Swearenger. Deadwood isn’t close to being my favorite show of all time, but I can honestly say he his my favorite lead of any show. And I’d do anything to see him on the screen again.

8. Shaq Daddy / 24

Shaq was the most dominating force the league has ever seen. 24 is the most intense show that’s ever been on television (the Breaking Bad fan in me just punched me in the nuts). There’s something about Jack having to save the world in 24 hours that just keeps you on the edge of your seat. Shaq and 24 both came at the right time. 24 right around our 9/11 fear of terrorists and bombings and middle eastern looking people really took hold. And it hugely benefited from it. It took it and ran. The Diesel came right when the 90s were being born. And EVERYONE was better for it. It’s no coincidence he came into the league during the best decade ever. Unfortunately they both have been largely forgotten. People only remember Cavalier Daddy. Or the Daddy who screwed up EJ, Kenny, and Charles mojo. Same goes for Jack Bauer. People got sick of the same old after a while. Doesn’t it seem like people consider 24 a fad we all went through when Bush was president. Kind of like they never admitted to liking it. Exactly how nobody admits to liking Creed when they were all over VH1. We all did!

7. LeBron James / Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I had to put LeBron here. And I guess Buffy deserves to be here. The fact that Buffy succeeded on the WB is a feat in itself. What I should be (and will be) comparing, is LeBron and Whedon. After all is said and done they might be the top two that have ever done it. There really doesn’t seem like a brave soul that will step in and stop LBJ’s dominance. Myself? I’m hoping Silver rigs this coming draft so the Lakers get Jabari, sign Durant and Kevin Love in the next few years, Kobe forces Jabari to be sixth man and they win a ton of rings. Will it happen? Probably only the part where Kobe forces Jabari Parker to be his Manu Ginobli. As for Whedon, he will continue to successfully make Avenger movies and have fans suck all over his cock. I think he still has one great TV show left in him. Maybe two. Probably two.

6.  Kobe Bryant / Friday Night Lights

Man…have these two had their ups and downs or what? Kobe’s rape allegation. Tyra almost getting raped leading to Landry killing some dude. Kobe almost getting traded in his prime. Tyra almost getting raped leading to Landry killing some dude. Kobe having to tell Shaq how his ass taste. Tyra almost getting raped leading to Landry killing some dude. But there’s no denying the high points. Kobe’s first three peat. One of the best first seasons in TV history. Kobe’s 81 point massacre of the Raptors. Kyle Chandler winning Best Actor over Jon Hamm. Kobe wins two chips with a new cast of characters. FNL having two incredible seasons with the ghetto Panthers. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Black Mamba.

5. Tim Duncan / Battlestar Galactica

Tim Duncan and BSG are so disrespected Rodney Dangerfield bows before them. If TD beats the Heat last summer, he goes number 2. He plays in a small market so he clearly never gets the attention he deserves. He’s not flashy. Sticks to the basics. But he wins. Battlestar is kind of the same. It’s in a genre that doesn’t get much view time. When you want drama, Sci-Fi isn’t the first place you look (and who can blame you. Star Trek is fine but it’s not top shelf stuff). It’s a remake of a laughable 70s television show. Yet it turned itself into the most thought provoking series to air. Also influenced by 9/11, it had characters make some of the most brutal calls I’ve seen. TD and BSG get talked about far less than they should. If you put Tim in New York or you change the shows name to Stark Trek : Battlestar, then they might have gotten the recognition they deserved. Alas.

3.& 4. Magic and Bird / The Sopranos and The Wire

“The Sopranos is the best TV show in history. I mean Tony Soprano! Amiright?”.

“Dude watch The Wire. So many twists and turns. It’s a masterpiece”.

When arguing who is better between Magic and Larry it really comes down to preference. Or hometown affiliation. It’s like arguing about vanilla and chocolate ice cream. One isn’t better than the other. We just have different tastes. I would argue that goes for the top two HBO shows of all time as well. I would concede The Sopranos probably has a bigger following (like Magic) and ran for longer (just like Magics career was longer. Though it turned ugly at the end). But the faithful who claim The Wire to be the best ever will fight their point to the death. That’s how much they love their show. They’re like a cult (whereas a future show to be named is so big it’s more like a religion). I don’t know which is better and frankly I don’t care. I just know you need to watch both before you die. And like Bird and Magic, they will always be grouped together.

2. Bill Russell / Mad Men

Bill Russell is not the second most talented basketball player ever. What he is, is the way basketball should be played in the form of a man. He was never bigger than the team. True, Russell was the center piece, but he did everything in his power to make sure the people around him would succeed. He is all a basketball player should be. Mad Men is what every television show should aspire to. I don’t just mean by subject matter, but how every scene means something. There is no filler. Every actor feeds off each other while Jon Hamm leads the show. Hamm never won an Emmy (as of yet) and Russell never led the league in scoring. All he wanted to do was win, and I don’t know if Hamm felt the same way, but as a show, Mad Men dominates come award time. Guess what? It dominated during the golden age of television and AGAINST THE MICHAEL JORDAN OF TELEVISION DRAMAS.

1. Michael Jordan / Breaking Bad

I’ll let this make my point for me

I’d make an Honorable Mention list but I think this was enough of a disaster. All I wanted to say was Breaking Bad is the Michael Jordan of TV shows.